MALLU THEORY

"Being a native of Cochin, brought up with a feeling that Kottayam is my home" would have been a good first liner to my autobiography if I HAD lived in Kerala from birth. But I gotta rephrase it as "Being born & brought up in Chennai, often thinking of Kottayam as home and going on to find out my roots were in Cochin was one major bummer".

Ah!! The great pleasure I have in making fun of the sakhavu (conrade) from my native. Ironically, I've come to a weird conclusion. Mallus are the best people in this earth. There is no other community more diverse than us poor souls. Contrary to my initial judgement about mallus, they are actually pretty nice people. (I'm talkin from a third person' view coz I dont have the heart of being a mallu or of a tamil or....I'm of the 'lost identity' tribe)

Mallus are generally nicer to their fellow human beings outside the state of Kerala than in the nativeland. The soul representatives of Mallus all over the world are the "Chai Shops" or the "Juice Shops". Every street in every city in every state will have a chai or juice shop run by mallus. They also sell tobacco products, all kinds of things to munch and authentic Kerala masala tea. I have the privilege of frequenting two such shops in my 'hood. They are really sweet people who allow me to keep account a.k.a credit. I don't need to cough up cash every time I make a visit. I can 'clear' the 'account' when it reaches 'dangerous' levels a.k.a Rs.100,200,300 and so on..

Today night I took a stroll on the beach. I was desperately looking for a pack of stubs. I went to my favorite haunt, JP. It was closed. I went to the next chai shop(run by non-mallus) which I occasionaly go to. I told the guy "I'll pay you first thing in the morning coz I forgot my wallet now". I was humiliated by the guy and sent off with an angry stare. Fortunately, I bumped into my buddies from JP. Even though their shop was closed, he got me a pack of stubs from a shop nearby. He enquired how my diwali went, what I did and all.. After chatting with him for sometime, I realised how proud I am of being a mallu.

So I came back home a happy man. Proud of my mallu roots. Happy that I found a mallu juice shop. Happy on having mallu friends in what I call my hometown, Madras. My theory on why you should and shouldn't be a mallu reads:

Why You Should Be A MALLU:
1) Will have contacts all over the world from San Francisco to Sydney
2) Can keep accounts at any shop run by a Mallu
3) Flaunt or Practice your Malayalam Speaking Skills
4) Share a theri (abusive lang) with your friends in public and have bystanders joining the fun.
5) Get invites to Sadhyas (feast) on every occasion. From marriages or house warming
6) Using N number of permutations and combinations of the above 5 which can be applied in many practical circumstances.

Why You Shouldn't Be A MALLU:
1) Every 2nd person you meet may come up and say "AAhhhh! Enthekke Unda Visesham?!" (Yo! Wats up man?)
2) You'll get arrogant and 'pissin off' answers.
Eg."When's the next bus?" "Go ask those guys in the bus terminus. I got better things to do"
3) You'll have a family function to attend every alternate day.
4) You'll get stuck in a stampede trying to get a seat in a marriage sadhya. Its worse than the theatres..
5) You'll have to remeber the nicknames of a million people.
Eg. Rajan will be called Unni. Soman will also be called Unni. Plus some 100 relatives with the same nickname. If thats not enough, no one cares to update you on the official name of the guy.
6) Using N number of permutations and combinations of the above 5 which can be applied in many practical circumstances.


"Adutha post malaylathil ezhudhan korre paadu padandirikkum"